Thursday, July 31, 2003
hey.... today i never go sch. spent the whole day sleeping. oh well... hai....
just went for lunch just now with rejab. guess we r like super good frens now la... oh well..
i am so...
since i talked to feli yesterday i have been bugged. i dunn why. she shld be the one who is so u know depressed but the funny thing is tt i am the one who is depressed. i dunno y... why??? something she said triggered the sadness offf. i dunno wat tho... its weird la... oh well..i think i know wat...but im not sure if that is wat.... maybe i am just defending love too much. and feel sad that she can never let herself go n just open ehr heart to love. reminds me all about khai. oh well...
her bad...
:(
--insignificant lies--
4:36 pm
Sunday, July 27, 2003
so i think i am a time robber rite.. but what the hell la... who cares...
i mean i do agree with wat mrs ang say la. i am a time robber. tt one can't be denied at all.
and i didn't know i was so obvious. but then rejab says i am... so i guess i am la... im trying not to be so obvious. but this stupid crush thing... does it prove to the whole world that actually all along i didnt even like the first person i liked. was it all just another crush?
on sat i was very happy. i mean yah go ndp preview n all. but the morning already make me happy. *** said hi back. haiz... happy... maybe it might seem that she has forgiven me. im not sure either. i want to buy her a card on her b-day but i dunno if i should or not. maybe i should la. i dunno. want to give her something but then i dun want to scare her off. im scared she will think that what i give her means more than that. and that i want to patch things up again or wat. i also dunno la... just hope she dun think that way la. pls pls...dun think that way...
haiz... oh well...overall i am still happy. i just wish i could see her. wish i could hold her. and tell her how much i love her... haiz....
--insignificant lies--
7:36 pm
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
hey... in ML class rite now... bored to death. compiling some important info about sports for cikgu jam.
later on going to asian civilisations musuem. ish scary aah... haekal scared me just now talking about how one wk ago his fren kena possessed down there. dah lah tempat tu banyak patung. haiyoh... why aah BP kids always kena rasuk. ish... scary...
kk... gtg.... wish i can go play badminton with the guys today...but oh well... takda masa...
--insignificant lies--
10:56 am
girls are fucking evil
--insignificant lies--
1:58 am
hi welcome to my life today...
nothing much happened.
yest kena screw la from my mom. my dad came. damn nice. oh well....
my mom still a bit pissed. who cares!
feli pissed me off yest. i dunno la..technicallly she didnt do anything wrong n thus i dun have the right to be angry with her. but i am. cos she dun understand. cos as much as i like her she can never be lin. and i am expecting too much from her. so we have come back to the point of me. yes!!!
its me!!
it has always been me.
on the other hand...thanks to my dear darling su....for paying attn and being a wonderful person... u just hang in there and hopefully everything will fall into place... :)
--insignificant lies--
1:56 am
Monday, July 21, 2003
today was really eventful....
su...stay strong k.. if u havent read my OD go read la...
feli...
haiyoh...
i told her tt the person i like is haekal instead. i mean i think haekal is nice and all..n maybe i have a slight crush on him but i like feli more. and so i ave just proven to myself tt i dun like feli ttttttttttttttt much. you knw?
she went to meet saif. and he is sooooooo good looking. damN!!!!! so duh!!! she goes gaga over him. and here i am lost again. i can't tell her. i know now. but just now on the phone we were like competing to tell each other abt the guys in our lives. tts wat i felt anyways. when i say abt haekal ( which i do to get her a bit riled...which seems to work...cos she like not happy tt haekal say i am pretty... and she not happy tt haekal was very clsoe to me during dinner), she say abt saif. and abt how cute he is. then after tt she asks me how do u know when u like someone? then i ask her who is she considering. then she won't say the name. tot for a moment there she was thinkning of me. but oh well..tts wat i wld like to think but i know it is not true. then anyways... she say tt guy..then i like wat guy?? then she said saif so softly... god!! she thinks she might have a crush on him.. but u n i know better tt she is lusting...cos he looks good... she knows it too... told her to wait till she no longer sees him in a god like light. cos she is so obviously in awe of his good looks. i dunno la.... i mean i'd be happy for her..but i dun want to feel like such an asshole alone...and she happy with someone..n here i am pining for her. i still want to kiss her. guess i m lusting too... i am lusting after a lot of ppl... but i really think haekal is very cool... so so cool... touched by wat he did yest... hehe.... he's such a sweet guy... :)
--insignificant lies--
2:16 am
Sunday, July 20, 2003
never expected paradigma to be tt interesting. im not speaking of the real thing. im speaking of wat happened after tt with abang. i dunno. guess its my first time so im still a bit shocked by it.
i dunno wats happening to my life rite now
i dunno abt feli. dunno wat she is thinking in her head. dunno whether she understood wat i said.
i dunno abt farid.
i dunno why i attract unwanted attention.
maybe its just tt i want to. secretly. all i want is attn. nothing more but attn. and when i dun get it, i get really pissed
yest i called feli after the whole thing. was waiting for i dunno wat la. waiting for her to be sympathetic. guess she was. i shld have called su!!! urgh!!! but she dun understand. cos well i guess she was brought up diffly. and i supposed to meet her. but then i didnt want to in the end. so i went out with the ML ppl instead. which turned out to be better. think that 14 of us connected la. it was somethign traumatizing and all of us knew abt it. n all of us stayed there. stayed there right thru it. and i think i'm beginng to see haekal in a new light. a serious light. its like i was shocked at how he handled himself yest. i dun see why the others think that haekal and hasanul can't handle the situatn. i find tt haekal is the most experience. he is the sort of guy who knows when to eb serious n when to play. and i admire tt. i admire the way he handled things yest. its amazing how u can connect with someone so fast in one day. think something really passed btw us yest. but dunno la if it will grow. i hope it will. i dunno. cos i can picture future with him. and mayeb he will make me 4get abt feli.
--insignificant lies--
4:40 pm
Friday, July 18, 2003
the starting line is always faded
you don't know when to make that step
you feel like you want to throw yourself of a cliff
but you know that you can't even do tt anymore
and here i stay waiting for you to come
to take me to the finish line
and just end wat we started
cos i don't even know wat happened to us
maybe we'll be lost to the world
and maybe we will redeem ourselves again
but what i know is that we won't see daylight anymore
and we will never be friends again
cos life has changed for just two people
and the starting line is long gone
far far behind
with the finishing line still far away
so where do you stand in this race?
are you left far behind
or are you still near me
cos no matter wat we must end it together
--insignificant lies--
12:58 am
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
talked to khai yesterday and somehow my head is clearer as to wat i am feeling.
i love lin. heart and soul. i love her because from the start i hated her. i found her intriguing. and the way she stared off into space and stoned i knew that there was a mind to be explored. looking at her made me go weak in the knees. made my heart turn into mush and my body longed to hold her close and near.
with feli..i want to kiss her... have a romp or two with her and then i guess somehow i will be satisfied. maybe the reason why i'm not in love with feli is cos i dun have to force my friendship on her. feli is not a challenge. i love challenges and lin was most definitely that. she was an intoxicating challenge. one whiff of her and u come running back for more. i dun have to analyze feli cos she is clear and evident for the world to see. i dun feel special with her. i dun feel like im the only one she cares about. feli is a great friend. im really attracted to her...(as perverse as that sounds to some of u) but i dun think i will ever want to have a r/s with her cos i know it will never work out. we will piss each other off in the end. or get bored with each other. cos there is something lacking. and yet i dunno wat. i dun want anything from you feli. i dun want promises. hearts candies...bla bla bla... being my fren is enuff.
all i want is lin. but i can't have her. so why find anyone else? i will only want someone who is better than lin. who makes me feel the same way. feli... she doesn't make the cut. its just a little crush i feel. a little lust. cos i just want to stroke her hair and kiss her tenderly. but i dun want to be there when she need me. get it? i dunno how to explain it... oh well... khai will get it...
--insignificant lies--
1:54 am
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
kk..so today is monday...
just now i met feli. it was nice as usual. cept at certain pts i really didnt know wat to say to her. because i knew wat today meant. then i just kept quiet. n looked at her. n wondered to myself. god... do u know wat ur actually doing??
seriously i dun. i know getting over her will be hard. but its manageable cos guess wat im not in love with her. there isn't the same hurt and the same burning need to be close to her. if she's not there its not like im gonna die. its not like we have some deep connectione. it's different.
with lin, i cld always feel her presence when she was near. i'd know wat she was thinking about and i knew her from deep within. i cld just look at lin and feel extremely happy. no matter wat i did i'd be thinking about lin. i'd always have her in my mind. and if she wasnt near me i felt suffocated. out of breath. and my head seemed clearer when i just look at her. and i saw it in her eyes wat i was looking for all my life. and i understood all the pain she felt and she understood mine. and though she rarely showed me how she actually felt and wat she wanted express i could feel it in the way she held my hand and told me stuff about herself no one knew. and how she needed me secretly that she had to see me or talk to me when she felt like the earth was crumbling. i was her heart and she was my brain. and together we were perfect.
but with feli... i like her..yes i do.. but i can never truly separate my attraction to her and my genuine liking for her personality. and tt makes me shallow. to say i love her would be a sad cruel joke. because if i said i did then it can only be because i find her completely beautiful. i like her hair. her face.. her smile and that is wat makes me love her so much. i dunno which part of her personality i like. but if i were to say it..wouldnt it be plaina nd just the same way i feel for my other frens. then if tt is true... why can't we just be frens?? this is not love. u dun have the same pain. u dun have the same longing. this is lust. its a need express ur physical and carnal desires. its not love.
so i must stop myself from getting excited at seeing something so gorgeous and confusing it with love. that is to make love mucky. to blothc it and taint it with one of my own purges. i will not screw watever i have left in my heart...watever capability i have to love in a relationship tt will not go anywhere with a woman that doesn't even know the meaning of love.. i dun have time to teach this to her.. neither do i have time to fool ard with my life with a person who will never admit that she loves me... so this is to her and to all the good times.. but this is also to me and all the recovery times.. i will forget watever desires i have for her... bcos frens dun thnk such thoughts... after all she was my fren to begin with..and thkg such things will break the sanctity of frenship..n i can't do tt...
--insignificant lies--
1:31 am
Friday, July 04, 2003
hello....i like girls... yah... good topic opener yah... yah...i am not in love with feli. tt much i know. i like her... yes. im lusting..yes.. but i will not let tt spoil our frenship. i am excited for tmr but i wont do anything stupid to make our frenship really horrible. it is only common knowledge tt frenships last longer than relationships... so yah... i will not do anything... not at all.. i dun want heartbreak also..
--insignificant lies--
2:40 am
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
hello...
today i got my appetite back...but then i got stomach ache along with it la... oh well... stomach ache pun stomach ache la... think i finally come to terms with the fact tt i cant be with feli. and i cant do much about it. and i also come to terms tt i like her but not as much as i use to like lin. all i am doing now is lusting after her because she is very chio n watever la.. oh well... its a sin i tell u wat i feeling... its more of a sin to me since she is my fren n i feel tt she treats me like im her best fren. so i shall not be a jerk and go destroy watever tt we have just cos i feel tt i like her... oh well... i should really go and ask her who i am to her and wat i mean to her. i shall ask her on fri. when i go n sleepover. yah..good plan!!!!!
--insignificant lies--
11:56 pm
morning...afternoonn watever else u can think off..hehe...
i today meet feli again. it was ok i guess... it was not anything of a big deal la... cos today i dont feel all touchyand all that and we both are not all touchy and stuff. guess we are getting better. i am glad. i give up being someone always be the one feeling all the feelings. but yeah...tmr i am gonna miss her. i will miss her very much. very very much. i dun think i can meet her tmr. and thursday is like a big OUT..so yah.. fri then..fri....will be WOW!!!!!! i can't wait!!!!!
--insignificant lies--
12:12 am
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
hello... here i am again...i am gonna complaine to u... i am really...urgh.... feli is so str8. she doesnt like me. wat the hell is j talking about sia??? i am not needed. neither am i wanted. i am only her frend. she needs me in tt way. she wants me in tt way. i have nothing tt i can offer to her. i am not rich. i am not pretty. she can do much better. and i would be a horrible frend if i pursue this any further.
but the sad part of it all is tt all i just wanna do is to love her and show to her tt i do love her. this fri nite i am gonna crash at her place. i wodner wat will happen. i so badly want to tell her so she will stay away from me?? is tt the reason why i wanna tell her?? i dunno... but i do want to say some thing to her... i want to give her a hint tt i like her. n i m not one for mushiness. i can't like go n express my feelings just like tt. the best i can come up with is... feli... i like u. u wanna be my gurl? tts abt it. but today we kinda had a talk about lesbianism. she ask me how do les ppl do it? then i say most of the ppl i know dun do it. they share a relationship tt does not involve sex. then she ask me why they cant just be frens? then i say tt they have feelings and are attracted to each other which is why they can never be frends. tt is how i feel. i can never just be frends with her. frends dun think sick thoughts about each other. i catch myself checking her out. gosh. its so frustrating. urgh!!! i still want to kiss her. think tmr i will not touch her as much. i shall let her touch me. i think she likes me when im girlie. she seems all touchy when i am girlie. i shall make an effort to be more girlie tmr. yes i wiill!!!!!
k i gtg...nat want me call her... see ya...
--insignificant lies--
12:44 am
